From the mind of the Eating Disorder

For a decade I was suffering form what is know as Anorexia Athletica an eating disorder. Sound much less worrisome as regular Anorexia, right? Right! At least that’s why I figured my head would say instead of bullshit. I tried to eat less than 1000 kcal a day, skipped eating “bad foods” all for the goal to stay skinny and toned. I had a body fat percentage many athletes would kill for, but I was not healthy – not one bit.

Let me tell you something, a little secret of mine. I have always hated my body. From the roundness of my nose, to the wideness of my hips, my cubby face… the list is endless. Trust me, it is.

As a kid, right up until I was about 12(ish) I was terribly ill, I was in and out of the hospital. Saw countless doctors in hopes one could figure out what was wrong with me. I wasn’t hungry much, food gave me a lot of pain from eating, to digesting, so basically from start to finish. I looked like a toothpick growing up, some could say ‘haggard’ but I wasn’t hungry, and I didn’t feel starved as my mother tried to get as much food into my system as possible.

Early Teenage Days

After finding a doctor who figured out what was wrong with my body and being able to get healed – I started (for the first time) enjoying food. I got bigger fast. From looking like a toothpick, I suddenly within the span of 2 years, gained 15 kg. It didn’t concern me much, never had body image issues. I didn’t grow up with fashion magazines nor the fear of not looking perfect in the newest fashion trends. It was the end of the 90’s, I grow up in a small town, times were different.

Mental Health

When I turned 13, lots of things in my family life went south – things I couldn’t quite cope with and the only thing making me happy was food… and very happy at that. It was, on looking back, that I found was the dangerous moment that would break my neck eventually: bad mental health and not the food itself.

One day depression hit me hard and I ate everything the kitchen had to offer ending with a full tub of Nutella, a glass of full fat milk and a giant spoon… finished the Nutella clean in one go that day. I honestly had no idea that my eating behaviour was bad – food was supposed to be essential for life, so it was all good in my mind, I wasn’t as educated about it as I am now.

It started with a Diet

The day it all started. I remember that day soooo clearly, it’s like it was yesterday. A family member commented on my “constant eating” and asked when I would stop. It hit me hard and for the first time, I took a close look at my body and suddenly, I hated it. Every single bit of my body – pure hate.

I figured, eating a little less for a month or two would get me back to my “normal” size and all would be well… but it didn’t work, and I got angry and so I started with restrictions. First, I cut out dairy (I love dairy products, I could die for them) and then I started reading up on diets and how to lose weight fast and it was the worst thing I could have ever done. It opened a massive black whole of bad thoughts, bad mindset and even worst habits to come…

As I restricted my food intake even further, I saw my weight go down fast… first time in my life I felt like I could control something, and I like that a lot. Whenever I felt hungry, my ED told me that it would be better to keep the “hunger” I felt for tomorrows food allowance, otherwise I would hate myself for the rest of the day. Let me tell you, it worked – I listened to no one except my ED.

I’m a Slave….

Suddenly, magazines and MTV turned into a big thing in my life. Watching Britney, Christina and all the other super trained and toned girls in their super low-rise jeans dancing and parading their perfect tummies around made me angry at myself. I was barely eating to look skinny and yet, my body didn’t look like anything I saw anywhere. I still felt fat and ugly. A workout routine needed to be found. I read in some magazine that Britney would do 1000 crunches a day to stay fit and keep her tummy looking amazing and so – I did 1000 crunches a day. I taped a full VHS cassette (yes, I’m that old) with endless repetitions of Britney’s “I’m a slave for you” video so I wouldn’t have to rewind during my crunches.

Behind the perfectly toned body…

…was a badly bruised and terribly fragile creature. The crunches bruised and chafed my tailbone and the skin around so badly, that I was in constant agony. Regardless of the pain, I kept going – every single day without rest. I started restricting my daily caloric intake on top of it and figured, I need additional exercises for my body. I added running and a whole host of other body toning exercises and I felt great… most of all, I felt like I was in control.

I Kept wearing the same somewhat baggy cloths, so no one truly saw my toned body until one day. I figured I wanted one of those super low-rise jeans myself and I bought one. Told the salesgirl my usual size (not thinking I would wear anything different as the standard M) and she looked at me funny and said, “I think you might be a 25.” – I trusted her and what she handed to me was the tiniest pair of pants I ever did see. “This might be to small for me!” I shouted to the salesgirl but tried it regardless. The jeans fit like a glove and there was the perfect Britney tummy out for the first time. To say I felt accomplished was an understatement. I wore this pair of jeans like a batch of honour.

A decade lost

Suddenly food became the enemy. Figured it was the reason my body could look like crap again in a heartbeat, so I compensated everything I ate with exercise, to make sure I wouldn’t gain an ounce of fat back. Not only was I restricted with my daily caloric intake, I restricted what I ate as well – it was bad, nothing nutritious as I had no idea what that would entail so I ate what I could access easily (I will not be going into the exact things I ate in order to not “inspire” someone else’s eating disorder). My palette was so bland, a Wrigley’s juicy fruit chewing gum would taste like a 5-Star dinner.

For 10 years I lived this life and it is a miracle, I have survived it. My body has suffered greatly from it and I ruined my digestive system, from which I still suffer from daily and onwards for the rest of my life. I learned a lot in that decade, most importantly however was the fact that I learned that a positive mindset can save your life. If you read this, thinking you can’t beat your own eating disorder, then know this – YES, YOU CAN!! I worked through my eating disorder without therapy of any kind but if you need therapy than go and ask for help, nothing wrong with that and one day, you can live a normal life again without the eating disorder.

OSCAR EDIT 2020