Nope, this ain‘t a story about arguably one of my most beloved bands, this is a weee bit of a darker plotline. That being said, I know that The Cure is basically the quintessential depressively hopeful Band I know… so it kinda fits.

Dear Reader, I‘ve been through a Great War or two myself but I have also survived the other side of the spectrum. I‘m talking about depression and the both sides of that coin. Meaning that both as a sufferer from depression and a recipient of depressional impact of a significant other.

For me, I have been diagnosed with depression ever since I was a pre-teen. This happens, maybe it was not as common 3 decades ago but thanks social media it is now. So ever since a very young age, I was on and off therapy for it. However, I have also seen the other side. The side were people I love dearly are diagnosed with clinical depression and yet refuse to get help for it. I have also, several times, been an onlooker into other people’s storylines.

There are two notable instances from which I‘m drawing for in this blogpost and I also tell you, and why it’s important to step away from these people. Which is never easy. I‘m not great in terms of giving up on people that need help. But over the years I learned that to save myself, I need to stop saving people who do not want to be saved to begin with. That is also what I try to teach others.

The first instant

I knew someone was unwilling to get help when someone said to their partner that it would be alright for them to seek help but he had no need for anyone pointing out his issues and proceed to pay for that. Basically saying, that someone was alright with being depressed and toxic towards other people because confronting one’s issues was not in that persons needs. I later learned, that people use relationships to mask symptoms of depression. Because who does not love the rush of endorphins in early stages of a relationship? It‘s a drug that works like a band aid for a wound that needs more than a sticky tape to heal. He ended up cheating on his partner to get the rush of endorphins again which led to the further demise of the relationship. But even upon leaving him, the girl was faced with severe backlash. Because he accused her of not loving him enough and that’s why their relationship fell apart. Blame was, once again put on the partner who actually was in therapy getting the help and trying to still be there for the partner that refused getting help and ruining what could have been a great love.

The second instant

A fairly upbeat fellow who quickly turned out to be severely depressed. He had been depressed for a long time but with moving to another country and trying life a new he masked what was truly wrong. He ended with falling in love as means to cure his sadness. A sadness that existed way before he met that girl, way before he even moved countries. Once he got the diagnosis, he pretended to seek counselling but abandoned it after a visit all the while having the depression getting worst. At the end of the stage, where the girl exited the desolate situation, he pointed out that she was the reason for his sadness and that if she would do as he said, he’d finally be happy. Blaming a partner for something that existed way before that partner entered one’s life and knowing that the real reason is a different one, hits different.

I know, we all grew up with trauma and we all accumulate additional trauma along the way and depression is unfortunately something horribly common these days as well. But not seeking help and burdening a loved one is not the answer. No love anyone can give can cure depression.

My goodness, what horrible storylines indeed. 2 humans burdening their depression on their partner. Telling a partner that they are the reason why they are basically feeling sad and depressed instead of facing the facts, facing their own illness – they hand over the burden to someone else. Grown man burdening their illness onto someone else because rather then getting the help they would need, they ruin someone else along the way.

I know we grow up with the “love is the cure” concept. Love is never a cure for anything. Love can mask symptoms for a time but that ain’t a cure, it’s an ill-faded band aid waiting to tear at the sides.

I know both these storylines very well, know the people in these storylines very well and I learned from other people, that, this is happening more and more often. Depression that gets masked by over-spending, over-loving and not even attempted to get real help by seeking a therapist. I once confronted both these man why they did what they did, both were stead fast in saying that the fault was in the women and had they loved them truly, all would be good still.

Dear reader, I know the women these men talk about and they stepped away because these men broke them. They stood by their sides begging for them to get help but the worst it got the worst it also got for the women and they had to leave in order to survive because these guys, used love so long it masked their symptoms, they did not love because they loved. I doubt I have ever seen two women more in love then I saw these and for both I hoped it was “the big one” and I truly believe it could have been had these men just allowed themselves to get help. Their storylines would not have ended but I know for a fact, these man have and will continue to keep the exact same storyline going with ever new woman in their lives and it’s truly saddening to see other women suffer because some people are unwilling to get the needed help.

But not only did I knew both guys and both women. I also knew some of the women in these men’s lives before those relationships happened and even some after and guess what? The story keeps repeating itself. Women who love get blamed time and again for being the reason (and supposed cure) for the depression of their partners. It‘s never ending unless these men get to accept they need help.

So I tell you, even from my own experience. That love is never a cure for anything. Love is the big fat bonus you get for mastering life. But love cannot cure depression, it can’t even cure the sniffles. Love is the person caring for you when you are sick but the cure is always to be found in medicine and the willingness to get better.

Dear reader, know that if you too are being treated that way, no love you give can and will help. The help that people who are suffering from depression need, is only to be found in therapy and a life long will to accept that fact. Know that it‘s ok to step away no matter the love you feel for someone because would they truly love you, they would not blame you, they would get help and do anything to stay with you. I promise you, you will find love that matters once you let go of these kinds of toxic relationships. I know it‘s hard to let someone you love go, but know that these people do not really love you, they just need the endorphins you provide to mask their symptoms and once you are not providing what they need anymore, they will start treating you as the reason as to why they feel the way they do. You can not win that war. All you can do is to save yourself and find someone who is truly loving you.