I wish I could say it was because of Covid or working too much and not finding the time to write, edit pictures or something like that. But in truth of the matter is: I wrote countless Blogposts, I just never published them. Because once I felt inadequate it stuck with me.
AS REASONS GO
Reason being has taking me almost a year to find and reflect upon. But let me tell you, it was not an easy journey for me. So where to start…
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
– Maya Angelou
About a year ago I wrote a couple of articles for a friend’s project. As much it brought at first the more pain it brought the longer it went on. Everything I turned it was either too long, too short or did not meet the agreed standards. Standards that basically changed on me almost daily. For as long as the whole process took the more inadequate, I felt with my writing to the point where I lost the desire to write at all.
I finish the assignment purely as to not let my friend hang in thin air as he counted on me but all my life, I never experience such desire to throw everything into the gutter.
FEELING INADEQUATE
In all fairness, others would have jugged it up to an unfortunate moment in time and went on their merry way but growing up I have been ingrained with others giving me the feeling of being inadequate in just about everything. The desire to proof myself and others that they are wrong has been something I felt all my life. Like I had to fight against others thinking me unable to do things.
“A word after a word after a word is power.”
– Margaret Atwood
A GOOD LONG YEAR
It took me to figure out what was the root of my feeling of inadequateness. I did have a notion what it might be, but it took a while till it fully registered in my head. Maybe because writing was always something that came naturally to me, because I had so many teachers always tell me I should, one day start to write. Writing was my “safe space” I kept for decades to myself in fear someone would “take it” away from me somehow.
CONFIDENCE IS A FLEETING THING
When I started my Blog about 1,5 years ago. I started it away from the prying eyes of everyone who could potentially know me. Neither friends nor family knew or know about it. I had been given the feeling of not being able to “succeed” with just about anything for to long that I did not want it to find its way to my Blog. A Blog I had wanted to start a decade ago but did not because I was afraid of simply being inadequate for it.
“Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depth of your heart; confess to yourself you would have to die if you were forbidden to write.”
– Rainer Maria Rilke
6 MONTHS AGO
My mind had me at the point where I was certain, I would no longer renew my webspace and URL because I would never want to publish anything I had written ever again. But autorenewal decided for me and that is the only reason why my Blog is still here. During these last 12 months I wrote countless Blogposts, edited them, put the pictures in and had them ready to be pushed live and yet, I always had the nagging feeling that no matter what I write, I will be inadequate in just about every word I put out and there is not reason to publish anything.
RECLAMING MY BLOG
As dramatic as it sounds, it is exactly what I had to do and must do. I need to find my way back into publishing the things I write, even if in my head it all still feels inadequate. Pushing through this feeling will be the only thing that makes my Blog, hopefully, the place it once was for me. I know this might all sound exceptionally dramatic but for someone like me, it was as heart-breaking as loosing the love of my life.
“Get it down. Take chances. It may be bad, but it’s the only way you can do anything really good.”
– William Faulkner
MORAL OF THE STORY
I was rather hopelessly looking for one until I found something akin to it. No matter what others make you feel or tell you. Only you can know and feel what feels right for you. If you love doing something and even if you start out being sub-par at it, by keep doing it you will improve and get better bit by bit. This past year was a lesson in that. Keep going and improving and if for no one else but yourself! I am the first person to cheer everyone else on but with myself I never got the pom poms out to cheer and it must change. I’m not perfect, no one is but doubt is something horrible be it inflicted by someone else or yourself.
Learn from my mistake, if one can call it a mistake. And tell yourself that you can do anything you want, and no one can put their preconceived notion upon you. If you fail, ok good but at least you have tried and given it your own best. And that alone is something to be proud of.
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