….let‘s talk Mental Health.
If by any chance you have read a Blogpost or two or have found me through Instagram and my tendencies for extensive captions – you know a little bit of my backstory.
I have suffered from depression form a very young age. Yes, I was in therapy. Unfortunately for me, I was in the hands of a person who should have picked a different occupation for herself. 6 years of my life I spend in the literal clutches of someone who made my depression worst instead of helping me through it. I was young, didn’t know what I know now and just did what was asked of me.
To this very day, I can‘t recall a time in my childhood or young adult life when I felt to be in a good mental space. There were a million internal battles I fought with myself and a million more I fought on the outside.
“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; The most massive characters are seared with scars”
Khalil Gibran
The unkind mind
I would like to think, that in those 33 years I have learned a thing or two about my own mind and mental health in general. By no means an expert, but someone who as learned to see the signs of an unkind mind in others over the years.
You might ask what this unkind mind is? It is your pre-programed subconscious that has turned against you. It feeds negativity, doubt and anxiety as your own internal Instagram Feed of all things negative.
For the last +- 3 weeks I have been down this negative route again. Not like I used to but here and there, I get thrown back in and it’s almost always when I let myself get down. Be it a remark from someone, or something negative that has happened or something that makes you feel incompetent.
I started my Instagram shorty after Christmas, I thought about it long and hard stepping over from the audience to the spectator side of things. A great many arguments in my head later about “your content will not be liked”, “you don’t have the time for it”, “you are to old to start this” etc. I figured I just had to jump because if I don’t do it know, I will never.
“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel alone.“
Robin Williams
High School all over again
Truth is that Instagram scares me. It feels like being in High School again. You must represent yourself in the best light, show up to every party and be the star everyone wants to befriend. Truth is – I have always been a grey-mouse in that respect. I never went to parties; I preferred to read a book or watch a good movie. My teachers referred to me as the “Éminence Grise” of the school and yes, my schoolmates went to me for help and asked my opinion always, but I was never “In with the In-Crowd”. Being called “Éminence Grise” was never something I was proud of, it always terrified me to be honest. All I ever did was listen to people, help them make decisions and aid them as best I can.
Mind over Matter
I’m an introvert and I stand by it. Years ago, I worked as Manager to a Music Act and having to be looked at and what felt like being on the exam table ready to be dissected wasn’t exactly my cup of coffee. Being in the background suits my soul and my mind. Instagram however demands you to be CenterStage. Yes, I wanted to be in musical theatre as a kid, but I never wanted the big top billing roles, I wanted to be in the background and dance – nothing more.
Last week, someone who knows me personally found out about my Instagram… I didn’t hide it form anyone, but I didn’t exactly wear a T-Shirt with my handle on it either. Said person remarked on my age, my apparent incompetency in just about everything in life and the obvious “you should have never done that, it’s a failure and you know it already”…
“Do not judge be by my successes, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.”
Nelson Mandela
I’m used to people undermining my life and my capabilities – which is ironic considering what my teachers called me in High School. That was my life. Somehow my life had been reduced to this form of negativity.
In the last 2 years I made a very conscious effort to change my life and mindset. Made my final leap to part with people in my life, that only hurt me. I have come a very long way since and a great many things have changed. I’m a happier person now, I can enjoy life again. But on the occasion, someone or something throws me right back into this negative spiral – I’m only to willing to believe it.
Every single picture I have posted on my Instagram after I have been told the above, has performed poorly. My mindset had shifted form “I will work hard, and I can do this” to “She’s right, I’m a failure – this will never work”…. my mind has resigned itself to the idea of failure and so I failed.
“Rock bottom became the solid foundation in which I rebuild my life.”
J. K. Rowling
Absolute Beginners
Yes, we are – everything we start from scratch with, makes us into ABSOLUTE BEGINNERS.
I take about 20 pictures a day but only 1 or 2 are worthy to even work on. Not every picture I take is perfect. But I keep learning and I keep getting better (I hope so at least). My Blog isn’t perfect either and neither is my cooking or baking. There are things in my life in which I might always be an ABSOLUTE BEGINNER but in others I’m not half bad either.
If we try our best, who are others to tell us otherwise?
If you, like me have been living in a negative mindset for any amount of time, let me tell you this. I get thrown back into this mindset often and I fight my way out of it every single time. It is hard a times, seems impossible – but if I can do it, you can do it too!!
I’m 33 going on 34, I have started something completely new to me and the prime age in that field is mine -10. People trying new things at almost every age. Yes, failure is a part of life – but also one of our greatest teachers too.
“Success Is not final, failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts.”
Winston Churchill
Never forget, that there are silver linings in everything we do. Search for them even in the darkest of moments. I have found myself to be my own worst enemy. I should believe in myself and not in what others believe of me. And I will work extra hard to change my mindset for the better.
